So let me tell you about the time I thought I was going to die. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon and some friends and I thought it would be a great idea to head over to Six Flags Magic Mountain after church. I hadn’t been to Six Flags in many years prior to that day so I was super excited about going. Plus they had this new roller coaster called Goliath that I just had to ride. Needless to say, I am a huge fan of rollercoasters. This Goliath though, was true to its name. You could see it from the freeway way before entering the park. As soon as I saw it, my heart started beating really fast and the adrenaline starting pumping. That thing was huge! Not only that, but you can hear the screams of people riding it from the parking lot. Oh my goodness, I was feeling anxious just by looking at it.
The line to ride took about an hour. All the while we were standing and waiting, I was really considering changing my mind about it. My stomach was beginning to hurt and I was feeling a little weak at the knees the closer we got to the front of the line. Finally we were next and it took all of the control that I had not to pee on myself. Here’s how it went: I sat down and this lady came over and pulled this harness down really hard against my chest. She yanked on it to see if it was secure and just as an extra precaution, I yanked on it too….several times just to be sure. I think I heard somebody say “all clear” and this thing started moving. For the purpose of relieving some of the tension I was feeling, I yelled out “Oh My GOD!!!!!” That yell also served as a prayer for safe travel I guess. Anyway, I could hear the sounds of the gears cranking up inch by inch as we started to climb to the top. It seemed like forever…crank crank crank crank. Suddenly we stopped at the top. Lord have mercy, to look down and see how far we had to go almost made me pass out. I thought I was going to die! I closed my eyes and it somehow got amazingly quiet. I could hear nothing or no one. The suspense was killing me so I had to open my eyes to see if I was missing anything. Because I had been watching the ride for over an hour, I thought that I could calculate when the drop was actually going to happen but with all of the other emotions that I was feeling, I totally missed it. This thing released and all I could do is take a big gasp for air. My stomach felt like it was falling at a slower speed than the rest of my body and it seemed to be left at the top still. There was no relief at the bottom of the fall because we immediately starting turning through loops and other fast turns. I don’t really know how fast we were going but I do know that my cheeks felt like they were coming off and sitting straight forward was impossible. After what seemed like an eternity we came to a screeching neck jerking halt…and then we coasted back into the station. That same lady came back and released the harness and expected me to immediately get out. I had to take my time though because the rush I was feeling was too much to move quickly. I did get out though, but my body was still riding. My legs were so wobbly and that crazy inertia feeling was in full effect. What a ride!!! To sum up that whole experience up in a few words, I am reminded of that little kid on the bike at the end of the movie “The Incredibles” – “That Was Totally Wicked!!” Oh my gosh! That was the BEST roller coaster I had ridden by far at the time!!! I wanted to do it again and even again after that. From the moment that I saw it from the freeway, I knew it was going to be amazing and it did not let me down.
Ok, so you might be wondering why is she talking about roller coasters? Well here’s the thing; I was thinking about love and being in love and how sometimes it can be so complicated and emotionally charged. Much like riding a roller coaster, relationships can take you for the ride of your life. There is definitely an excitement that comes with being in a thriving relationship and being in love. It can feel scary and exhilarating all at the same time. I’ve experienced moments when I was so caught up in love that I could literally feel it on the outer layers of my body. If I rubbed lotion on my arms, I could feel his hands; if I chewed gum, I could taste the love of his kiss (especially if it is our flavor); or if I were asleep, I could feel his arms wrapped around me. It was tangible even when I wasn’t physically in his presence. Oh and mentally….it is amazing to me how every thought I could come up with was infused with an impression of him. Love is a beautiful thing! With that being said, I am fully aware that there is a flip side. The side that feels like a crazy ride that you want to get off and stay off. Those same thrill-seeking sensations are not so cool and fun when it comes to matters of the heart. The hurt of love is a real thing. In the movie “The Fault in Our Stars” it was said that “pain demands to be felt.” And boy oh boy is that true when it comes to the pain of a broken heart. My heart has hurt so bad that I did not know how I was going to ever recover. I’m not a natural cryer but my heart has hurt so excruciatingly bad that it had me crying everyday for weeks at a time. Not so fun at all.
Let’s take a short look at my love journey: I fell in love for the first time when I was 14 years old. Now most people would say “what could you possibly know about love at such a young age?” Well here’s what I knew: it was the kind of love that I would risk getting in trouble with my momma over (and if you knew my momma back then, like most black mommas, staying out past the street lights coming on was a major deal). But for this guy, it was all worth it. I remember when I first saw him… oh my gosh he made me nervous! He was soooooo cute! I wanted to meet him and more importantly, I wanted him to want to meet me too. And he did!! From the moment he spoke his hello, I was sprung! It was a feeling that I had never felt before. I knew it was love but it was far different from the love that I had felt all of my life for my family; it was different from the love I felt for butter pecan ice cream or even for music (and if you know me you understand that that is pretty intense). This love was deep and even at 14 years’ old this was a feeling that I knew I wanted to keep for as long as I could. As it turned out though, this guy was experiencing the rage of uncontrollable hormones that 14 year old boys do and he thought it would better to break up with me because I was not that girl that was putting out. Thinking back on it now, I can do nothing but respect the brother for at least taking the time to break it off instead of cheating on me. Nevertheless, I was devastated! My poor little heart hurt soooo bad! I cried so hard and so much that my face would hurt and I would get exhausted. I resolved in my 14 year old mind and heart that I would never allow myself to feel that kind of hurt ever again. It took many years to get over him…. 5 to be exact. I didn’t date at all in high school. I was over it.
As a young women, I crushed on a few guys over the subsequent years but nothing ever rose to that level of love I had for my teenage guy. I even married …..twice. I loved both of my ‘wasbands’ very dearly, but because I operated in a guarded level of cautiousness, it was never the same kind of love that I experienced at 14. Guess what? Love did happen for me again! And Oh My Gosh, it is complete with all of the bells and whistles. It is more than anything that I could have ever imagined. It lacks absolutely nothing and it has far surpassed any feelings that I felt as a young girl. It has been extremely beautiful to experience new and exciting feelings at my age. It is mature and vibrant. It has my heart skipping beats and creating new rhythms all at the same time. In this new love, I have learned the concept of ‘vibin’ with someone; feeling their presence and their mood even when they are not physically close by. Our souls are mated. My love could call me just to say hi and that he was thinking about me at the exact same time that I was thinking about him. I could call him right now and he could tell if something was bothering me. His voice is like butter; so smooth and soothing. Just to see his name and picture pop up on my phone when he called send chills up and down my body. It is the stuff dreams are made of. Here’s the kicker guys, as I find myself dead smack in the middle of this true love experience, hurt has reared its ugly head yet again. At this present moment, my interaction with love is on pause. Circumstances have intervened and caused my relationship to be put on hold or perhaps even terminated all together, honestly I really don’t know. My heart has felt so heavy at times and I have shed many many many tears. What I have come to realize though is that no matter what happens, I am excited about what is next for me and love. Much like the ride on the Goliath, this is the part that I cannot anticipate which way the turn is going to go. It is a new ride that I have yet seen through to the end. I can say for certain though, that no matter the distance and/or the disconnect between me and my heart’s desire, I am here for it! Let’s go love!
So why share any of this? I’m glad you asked. Inasmuch as love can be unpredictable and sometimes extremely painful, it is a ride worth waiting for and exciting enough to ride over and over again. I wanted to say this to those ladies who have given up on the thought of falling in love and being in love: DON’T!!! Even with the crazy rides that you’ve been on with past relationships, true and real love exists. None of us were designed to be solo acts (Gen. 2:18). We just have to be open to the idea that our leading man is being lead our way. It is truly sad to me to hear women give up and throw in the towel on love. Instead they embrace being single with such a guarded heart. Trust me I get it! But my response to that is this, a guarded heart is also an imprisoned heart. The walls that you have built to keep love out also keeps you locked in; locked away from the pleasure and happiness that true love possess. Research shows that there are incredible benefits to being in love. Apart from the obvious gratifications, love can also promote good health, relieve stress and anxiety, and provide peace of mind (Reiss, 2018). True, you can get those types of benefits from a variety of other meaningful relationships; however, being in love is simply unmatched.
Listen ladies (or gentlemen), I encourage you, as I often have to encourage myself, stay in the fight for love. I get it ….. there are extreme emotions that come along with being in love. Some are amazing and exciting while other are absolutely not. But I honestly believe that your perfect guy (or girl) is coming if you really want them to. The Most High truly is the giver of our hearts desire. Our special someone may not come in the package that we were expecting, but I believe that once the substance of things hoped for begins to activate, that won’t even matter. Be open to consider a variety of character possibilities, especially those that you didn’t think would match with your personality. It may be in that that the love of your life emerges. I want to leave you with this: your capacity to love is far greater than you know and it can never be exchanged for a house full of cats, the Lifetime Network or butter pecan ice cream. Ride the ride one more time. It’s worth it.
– Monica Yvette